Coercive Control, Violence and Abuse — Hidden Dynamics In Relationships
Peering behind the curtain of family dynamics, one quickly discovers that issues like coercive control, violence, and abuse do not just reside in the confines of dark alleyways or the pages of thriller novels.
Rather, they seep silently into the fabrics of our society, permeating households and relationships — too often unnoticed and unacknowledged.
These issues, in their myriad of forms, shape the dynamics of relationships. For some (for too many), power and control supersede love and trust.
It’s an area that social science research — and our wider societies — are only truly beginning to understand.
We know that these tend to be gendered issues though.
And we know that there is gender bias in our how these issues are often perceived and dealt with.
Coercive Control & Invisible Chains
Coercive control, a relatively recently developed term, represents a complex mesh of abusive behaviours that collectively weave an intricate trap, ensnaring victims in an almost imperceptible grip of fear, dependence, and oppression.
Unlike the blatant evidence of physical violence, the impact of coercive control lies beneath the surface, altering a victim’s sense of self, autonomy, and reality.
There are multiple facets of coercive control — these can include:
- Financial Control: One of the primary tools in the coercive control toolkit is financial restriction. By limiting a victim’s access to financial resources, the abuser ensures dependence. This can involve preventing the victim from working, controlling shared finances, or withholding money as a form of punishment.
- Social Isolation: Cutting the victim off from friends, family, and social networks serves multiple purposes. It makes the victim reliant on the abuser for emotional and social interactions, restricts potential support avenues, and hides the abuse from potential witnesses. Over time, the isolation can lead to the victim internalising the abuser’s perspective, further deepening the chains of control.
- Emotional Manipulation: Verbal onslaughts, constant criticism, and threats play a significant role. These tactics erode the victim’s self-esteem, making them more susceptible to other forms of control. Over time, the victim may come to believe they are undeserving of respect, love, or kindness, making them more compliant and less likely to challenge or leave the abusive relationship.
- Gaslighting: This form of psychological manipulation is particularly nefarious. By causing the victim to doubt their memory, perception, or judgment, the abuser creates an alternate reality where they dictate what is true. This can lead to the victim doubting their feelings, memories, and even their sanity.
Abusers often present their controlling behaviours as acts of love or concern.
They might argue that they are trying to “protect” the victim from a cruel world or “help” them make the right decisions.
This intentional obfuscation confuses the victim, making them question whether the abuse they experience is genuinely harmful or merely an expression of love.
Societal structures and cultural norms also play a significant role in perpetuating coercive control.
For instance, traditionally gendered roles, where men are seen as protectors and providers while women are caregivers, can inadvertently legitimise certain coercive behaviours.
When society condones or overlooks possessiveness, jealousy, or domination as “normal” or “romantic”, for example, it creates a fertile ground for such abuses to flourish.
Many societies also prioritise family unity over individual well-being, which can make it challenging for victims to seek help or break free.
The fear of societal judgment, coupled with a lack of understanding about what constitutes coercive control, often keeps victims trapped in toxic dynamics.
The Deep-Seated Roots of Violence
When discussing violence, particularly within interpersonal relationships, it’s important to recognise that the physical manifestations are generally just the surface of a much deeper underlying dynamics.
Understanding this depth is critical for creating effective interventions and offering meaningful support to victims.
To begin, the commonly held perception of violence, especially domestic violence, is an uncontrollable fit of rage. However, this is a gross simplification.
While anger might be a present emotion, it’s rarely the root cause. In many cases, violence is a tool — an instrument of control and dominance.
Abusers wield it purposefully to establish and maintain a power dynamic in the relationship.
For some abusers, the act of violence is a culmination of carefully cultivated fear and intimidation.
The threat of a violent act can be as effective as the act itself in controlling a victim, making them constantly walk on eggshells, anticipating the next outburst.
Physical wounds, given time and care, will heal. But the emotional aftermath of violence can also be far more damaging and persistent.
Victims often grapple with a host of psychological challenges, including anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and even suicidal ideation.
Emotional scars often also lead to self-blame and shame. Victims may internalise the violence, erroneously believing that they are at fault, or that they deserved the abuse.
This, in turn, can create a debilitating sense of worthlessness and erode self-esteem, making it challenging for victims to recognise their worth and seek help.
The repercussions of violent acts then often set the stage for a recurring cycle of abuse. Abusers will, for example, often apologise profusely after an episode of violence, promising change and showering their victims with love.
This ‘honeymoon phase’ creates a confusing emotional landscape for the victim, leading them to believe that the abuser has changed or that the violent episode was a one-time occurrence.
However, what does in effect happen again is that the tension builds once more, leading to another violent episode, and thus perpetuating the cycle.
This cycle not only traps victims in the relationship but also deepens the emotional and psychological trauma with each recurrence.
Society’s Myopic View
Our collective vision, when it comes to violence, is often limited to the physical. When there are no visible marks, society tends to undermine or dismiss the victim’s experiences.
This societal blind spot stems from a deeply entrenched belief that ‘seeing is believing.’
Consequently, emotional and psychological abuse, despite being as damaging, if not more so, than physical violence, doesn’t receive the attention it warrants.
The prevailing focus on visible injuries inadvertently places the onus on the victim to ‘prove’ their abuse, making it difficult for many to come forward or seek justice.
The fact that these forms of abuse remain largely unseen and unrecognised is not just a tragedy; it’s an indictment of our societal values and structures.
Our patriarchal system, with its deeply rooted biases, not only enables these behaviours but also perpetuates them.
Our culture’s tendency to romanticise possessive behaviours, the stigma around discussing issues of domestic abuse, and the systemic failures to support victims all contribute to a world where abuse thrives in the shadows.
When victims do find the strength to speak out, they’re often met with skepticism or outright disbelief.
Comments such as “Why didn’t she leave?” or “It can’t be that bad” demonstrate our collective ignorance and dismissal of the issue.
They also lead to a lack of appropriate resources and support for those whose scars are not immediately visible.
The Path Forward
Recognising the pervasive nature of these hidden dynamics is the first step towards change. As a society, we must acknowledge the subtle forms of abuse that many dismiss or overlook.
Institutional reform is critical. Our family courts, law enforcement agencies, and social support structures must be equipped with the knowledge and tools to identify and combat these hidden dynamics.
This involves comprehensive training programs and policies aimed at identifying and addressing these subtle, insidious forms of abuse.
We need to foster cultures that supports victims unconditionally and stands against abusers unequivocally.
This not only means supporting victims when they come forward but also educating our communities to recognise the signs of abuse, to understand and recognise just how widespread and insidious such behaviours are, and to intervene appropriately.
To truly make a difference, our societal norms and attitudes must evolve.
We must reject the toxic behaviours that have long been normalised and embrace a future where love does not equate to control, where trust is not built on dominance, and where every person has the capcity to free themselves from the chains of coercive control, violence, and abuse.
Pragmatically speaking, we need better institutions that recognise and protect when a choice is made to leave such relationships.
